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This Valentine's Day, how to fight for good relationships (and know which poo poo heads you shouldn't love)

Broken relationships 

So this might be an unusual Valentine's Day post. A couple years ago, I finished going through a year of intense group and individual therapy class and learned that I had been loving people who I shouldn't love.


That's right: there are people you *shouldn't* love.

This concept flew in the face of everything I stood for.

Didn't every spiritual leader and book of scripture tell us to love everyone and forgive everyone, even our enemies?

Well, yes, and guess who's included in "love everyone." ME and YOU. I have to love myself as much as I love others. You have to love yourself as much as you love others, and invite people and things into your life that improve your quality of life (in the areas you value). If they are doing that too, then you'll end up in relationships that help both people live their values.

So what do you value? That's the core question to answer. Because if someone repeatedly makes it excruciatingly difficult for you to live your values, it is worth trying to change that dynamic, and if it doesn't change, might be worth moving on.

So how do you know that you shouldn't love someone, or the relationship is showing signs of being damaged? If these things happen a lot:
  • They don't help you live your values, or if they do, it doesn't outweigh how much of your values you have to sacrifice to be friends or lovers with them
  • They don't value your time
  • They don't value what you bring to the table
  • They are dishonest--consistently don't share their real opinions and thoughts and feelings all the way to dishonest about major things like what their name is (obviously...)
  • They are unwilling and/or unable to be an equal partner in problem-solving
  • They do not give constructive feedback (either give no feedback, only fake positive feedback, or only negative feedback)
  • The relationship is destructive of your values

So if you look at the questions above and feel like you shouldn't love someone who is currently in your life, the only other piece of advice I have is to see if you can repair the relationship before letting it go. Because maybe you haven't been honest. And maybe you aren't giving them enough feedback yet. If you don't know how they'll respond, try. And trust and believe they will respond well.

Because it's incredible how when you really fight for yourself and the relationship, advocate for what you value, and trust that people will respond well, many of them do. Most people love being trusted with the truth of who you are and what you need and feel. And if they don't, then at least you know you tried your best to be honest and gave them a fair shot and really believed in them. And you got to practice expressing yourself.

I feel really lucky that Kyle and I work together as equal partners in problem-solving to make sure we live our values and figure out how to help each other when our values don't match. It's hard work and I've got an awesome partner in him. It took a long time for us to trust each other enough to actually voice our concerns and trust each other enough to be honest and I'm really glad neither of us shied away from really caring and really trying.

I've also been in relationships where either or both of us were some combination of unable and/or unwilling to communicate effectively, and I know what it's like to see those relationships break down.

My life


To be honest, I really failed to be honest with myself and with others for years. Or, when I was honest, I believed people would abandon me and reject me, and they could probably sense that. And who wants to love someone who is always distrusting everyone? There are many reasons this happened, and I forgive myself, and also I have found a better quality of life through clumsily learning how (and when and how loudly or quietly) to share my opinions, ask for what I need, say yes, say no, and generally show people how much I actually care. Because fighting for a relationship and fighting about values means you care a lot.

It's also ok not to care very much for a particular person. My wise friend once said: "If someone's favorite band is a deal breaker for you, it must mean there aren't very many 'deal *makers*' with that particular person". So yeah, sometimes there's not a lot there to keep fighting for...and that's ok! Ok to be honest about the mismatch in values.

I wish you all love and trust in your own wisdom with these things.

Practical application: the Dime Game

Here is also a worksheet I love from my therapy class that explains how to express needs and also say no if needed. I think this a is a great starting point and something I still use on almost a daily basis at work and in personal life:

The Dime Game Worksheet



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