Pregnancy and Parenthood: How It Differed from What I Expected

I've been taking careful notes throughout pregnancy, birth, and parenthood for several reasons. It helps me stay grounded in what actually happened as I process my memories and heal, it helps me make decisions about how to do things differently in the future, and I hope it can help me stay empathetic to friends going through similar things.

I hope this is helpful to anyone considering having children or interesting/validating if you've already had children.

What was more difficult than I expected about parenthood?

For me, everything that was difficult during pregnancy pales in comparison to the challenges of parenthood and recovering from giving birth.

Postpartum anxiety and depression made it hard to make decisions

I felt my stress levels spike anytime Henry started crying. It always felt like a horrible thing that must be stopped and it was hard to think straight.

It was hard to let go of hovering while other people took care of Henry. I felt so afraid they wouldn't feed him enough or attend to his needs and that I'd bear the brunt of the negative consequences if he got over-tired or over-hungry, since people often turn to moms when that happens.

I didn't understand baby sleep cycles for months. Apparently they thrash around and vocalize even when they're asleep for the first few months because they don't have whatever chemical keeps older folks immobile while we sleep. I was always trying to cuddle him and sleep next to him because I thought he was suffering. Maybe I would've gotten more sleep if I'd gone in another room and put in earplugs?

When I had mastitis, the nurse said I needed to use a hot compress before nursing, then nurse, then pump after nursing, and then use a cold compress. Because I only had 20-30 minutes between nursing sessions, this meant I didn't sleep AT ALL for like 48 hours before getting better. I took Watson to the groomer the next day and found myself stopped at a stop sign, not moving, because I thought it was a light. I have no idea how long I was sitting there. I started having suicidal thoughts later that day and felt terrified. Sleep deprivation really affected me.

When I got mastitis again a month later, I panicked and was crying uncontrollably because I thought I'd have to do that all again. Kyle said why don't you just ignore the nurse's advice at least during the nighttime? I did, and I still got better, even faster than before.

I wanted to quit breastfeeding several times because it was SO time consuming (12 hours per day), no one could help much with it, and it always had new big challenges. My fear of getting mastitis while trying to wean kept me from weaning. Not sure that decision made sense, but I was too tired and anxious to think clearly.

A few events outside of my control added to my vulnerability to anxiety and depression:

• I already experienced anxiety and depression before pregnancy
• We don't have any family in the area and they couldn't visit often due to COVID
• My husband's company went through management changes that meant he was working 12 hour days sometimes
• I got let go of my job on the last day of maternity leave with an unfair reason: the company implied I had done something wrong when I hadn't. I eventually got them to compensate me for their mistakes, but it was devastating to realize people I trusted didn't have my back. My isolation as a new mother increased as I lost a lot of friendly coworker associations when I left that job on bad terms. The event was also very hard on my self esteem.

Finding childcare

I wrote a whole blogpost about this. I found it overwhelming to run a hiring and management process with no experience on my end, and honestly, candidates who aren't very experienced or polished sometimes.

Deciding to get another job

A lot of emotions got stirred up as I started to look for a new job. I felt very critical of myself for even looking, since I grew up in a culture where none of the women I knew hired childcare or worked in a way that made them officially unavailable to kids throughout the day. For my whole upbringing, the reason people encouraged me to learn anything or get any education was to improve my mothering ability. 

I felt afraid that me working would affect Henry negatively. I thought about time periods when my own parents were busy and how it affected me negatively, and eventually realized, with the help of my therapist, that it wasn't the business alone that caused problems. It was a mismatch in what help they were prepared to offer and what help I needed.

The only reason I really ended up sticking with the job hunt is because of praying about it, actually. If I hadn't felt a strong answer to keep looking, I would've given up long ago. I rather like hanging out with Henry in the backyard, looking at plants and listening to our wind chime. 

I also realized I still get to do that pretty often, since I work remotely and hardly have a commute. I feel really blessed.

Blessings

Some of the challenging things had benefits. For example, despite finding a nanny being challenging, having a nanny around meant I felt less isolated. There was at least one person in our pod. We had a temporary nanny provided by an agency who was too expensive to keep long-term (and she had a new job starting soon anyway), and she was an incredible blessing to us. She went above and beyond to clean our house and was so fun to talk to. And it's been fun to see Henry get attached to new people besides us.

Because I had to start looking for a new job, I had a distraction from mourning my old job and feeling isolated. It wasn't necessarily fun to interview, but it was something to do and was sometimes interesting. I also didn't have a boss anymore, so I could take walks or take a nap sometimes and took a week off a couple times to rest while the nanny watched Henry.

Pregnancy, birth, and immediately after birth

What was more challenging than I expected

• Length of nausea during weeks 6-20 and getting almost no breaks from it
• Heart rate rising felt like anxiety at first
• At 30 weeks, I had a rib that got out of place and it took a couple weeks to figure it out. It was SO painful and scary.
• Henry kicked me so hard all the time, usually kicking one of my hip bones. It started hurting sometimes in the second trimester, and was genuinely aggravating because I had no control over it. One time he kicked me stomach so hard it made me hiccup and burp up acid at the same time.
• I had quite a bit of lower back pain from diastasis recti. 
• Sleep discomfort was hard. I took naps in the late afternoon after work to make up for lost sleep.
• Mastitis
• Breastfeeding was SO CHALLENGING. It was in the top 3 challenges of having an infant.
• Baby gas. Henry seemed so uncomfortable when he was gassy, which was often in the first few months. The Windii helped immensely. I almost wonder if he would've been a sort of fussy baby without it, because he'd start crying almost every night around the same time before bed and then we'd put in the Windii and he'd let out a ton of gas and poop and quiet down.
• Going to doctor appointments alone during COVID. Feels vulnerable to be alone. Then it was so hard to go with an infant for checkups. It felt like a cruel torture to be asked to leave the house while still recovering from birth and bring an infant into an office. I wish they could do house visits.
• Stitches coming out and pee stinging
• Lightning breasts from milk ducts forming. This stopped me in my tracks sometimes.
• Nausea during labor. Was really intense and I dreaded throwing up while having labor pains. Seemed almost impossible to tolerate that many intensely unpleasant sensations. Nausea meds worked miracles
• Comments about my body bothered me so much. Sometimes people would say: you hardly look pregnant! You're making the rest of us look bad! I had no idea how to respond, and felt bad that they felt bad.
• Henry had trouble breathing right after birth for a minute or two. Those were the longest 2 minutes of my life and no one answered me saying "what's happening? Is he ok?" I felt frozen and thought he was going to die. They were pumping his lungs and talking to each other. They thought maybe his oxygen levels were low because the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck twice and got stretched tight as he came out, so the doctor had to cut it immediately. I guess his oxygen levels started going up almost immediately, but I couldn't see the monitor from where I was.

As difficult as I expected

• Labor was painful and got painful enough after 3 hours that I was yelling for pain killers and getting mad at anyone asking me questions. It was kind of sacred almost to have Kyle and the nurse taking turns massaging my back. 
• Getting an IV put in at the hospital.
• Getting a COVID test before being admitted to the hospital. It felt like sniffing a bunch of water up my nose while swimming and made my eyes water.
• Figuring out induction and epidural levels. I had to request an increase in the epidural level 2-3 times. My doula taught me to keep telling the nurses any time I was in pain.
  

Easier than I thought

• Morning sickness wasn’t as flu-like as I expected. For me, it was totally unique and felt more like motion sickness and was much less dreadful than a stomach flu. The few times I almost threw up, it felt more like extreme nervousness / stage fright than the flu.
• Acid reflux was easy to fix with this fizzy acid reflux drink I found. I'd take it before bed almost every night the last month or two and prop myself up with pillows.
• Tiredness/waddling. I enjoyed daytime naps, big dresses, and going slow.
• Swollen feet were easy to deal with by wearing compression socks.
• Epidural wasn't painful or scary because I got a shot of Fentanyl a few minutes earlier. The nurse recommended it; it's a fast acting temporary pain killer and makes you feel kind of high. It made getting the Epidural put in a breeze!
• My belly shrinking down to smaller size during the weeks after birth. It felt kind of good even though it hurt.
• Starting to exercise again wasn't so bad. I did tai chi a little every day for the first 3 months and then started running SUPER slow. At first, it was 1 minute running (like a 16 min mile pace), then 5 minutes walking. I felt embarrassed and wore my pajamas the first few times because I didn't have time to change into other clothes in order to return home in time to breastfeed Henry again. (I literally only had about 20-30 mins between breastfeeding sessions). But I just kept coaching myself and saying: "If anyone makes fun of me, I'll say "I HAD A BABY 3 MONTHS AGO. I'M DOING AWESOME!"

Non-issues or actually fun

• I never threw up.
• Lightning crotch didn’t bother me much. It happened, just didn't bother me.
• The appearance and sensation of having a huge belly almost never bothered me! Only during last couple weeks I missed bike riding and laying on my stomach. I thought it was fun for everyone to know I was pregnant.
• I got lucky and didn't get stretch marks.
• I got way more freckles on my face, especially on my upper lip. I didn't mind it. I'm starting to mind it now that they aren't gone a year later...
• Pushing during labor was actually FUN. Probably because I had an epidural, it didn't hurt at all. And it felt like I was in a CrossFit class with my husband and the nurse holding my feet and cheering me on with each push (I've never gone to CrossFit, though I've watched some ads). They were yelling and cheering for 3 hours. I felt like I was a marathon runner or something with fans the whole way. It was exhausting and really cool to feel like I was on a team.
• Hospital food was fine! I was SO hungry after not eating much all day during labor and pushing (I had a protein drink and some lemonade before pushing). I didn't care that some of it was a little bland, and some was actually quite good! I was just glad they kept shoveling more in front of me anytime I asked. I also had such a small stomach during the last trimester, and it felt amazing to have more room for food.