For some reason, deciding to have a baby, being pregnant, and now facing birth happening anytime between now and the end of August keeps making me think of the fragility of life and how close we are to death at any moment.
At first this seemed paradoxical to me; why would birth make me think of death?
However, they are connected in many ways.
Imagining myself going through the phases of parenthood makes it easier to imagine myself aging. I obviously would have aged even without having a child, yet I'm familiar with the rites of passage of childhood and how old parents typically are when their child graduates from high school, for example. The predictability of children's lives up until they are 18 or maybe even through college makes it easier to imagine the passage of time. It is strange to imagine myself being at their high school graduation with grey hair!
Also, the process of giving birth involves so much of the fluids of life - blood, tears, sweat - which also emphasizes the fragility of my own life. And the tiny body of a newborn also underlines what delicate machines human bodies are.
I think driving on the freeway is probably statistically more dangerous than giving birth, yet the kinds of risks that birth has for me and the baby seem more vivid since they aren't mediated by a box of metal around me. A car at least gives the illusion that it's protecting me, and I also have some measure of control over the risks; I have practiced driving for years, and I can choose to be extremely alert and cautious while driving. I obviously have no control over other drivers or weather and road conditions, yet it feels like I can do something to mitigate the risks. In birth, however, I feel there is almost nothing I can do to mitigate risks other than put myself in a hospital environment. I also cannot truly practice. Even having a dozen children still isn't much practice compared to the number of times I get in a car to drive.
Even if I could practice, I cannot choose the comfort, safety, and position of the baby as it comes out, have no control over how the placenta detaches, how my uterus shrinks and stops (or doesn't stop) bleeding, or any number of other factors. I can sort of influence a few of these in minor ways, but it's more influence rather than choice. Like I can exercise, stretch, try to have loose muscles and eat and sleep well, yet that's no guarantee of the baby being optimally positioned. On the other hand, my body is doing a lot of effective preparation for birth, and it's kind of amazing that I didn't have to choose any of its preparations. It just happens. I put food into my mouth and sleep, and my body does the rest.
Finally, there are so many more vivid implications for questions that used to be more musings for me, like, what is a soul? Did this baby's spirit really exist somewhere else? Is sort of fused to the baby yet, like Peter Pan's shadow?
At first this seemed paradoxical to me; why would birth make me think of death?
However, they are connected in many ways.
Imagining myself going through the phases of parenthood makes it easier to imagine myself aging. I obviously would have aged even without having a child, yet I'm familiar with the rites of passage of childhood and how old parents typically are when their child graduates from high school, for example. The predictability of children's lives up until they are 18 or maybe even through college makes it easier to imagine the passage of time. It is strange to imagine myself being at their high school graduation with grey hair!
Also, the process of giving birth involves so much of the fluids of life - blood, tears, sweat - which also emphasizes the fragility of my own life. And the tiny body of a newborn also underlines what delicate machines human bodies are.
I think driving on the freeway is probably statistically more dangerous than giving birth, yet the kinds of risks that birth has for me and the baby seem more vivid since they aren't mediated by a box of metal around me. A car at least gives the illusion that it's protecting me, and I also have some measure of control over the risks; I have practiced driving for years, and I can choose to be extremely alert and cautious while driving. I obviously have no control over other drivers or weather and road conditions, yet it feels like I can do something to mitigate the risks. In birth, however, I feel there is almost nothing I can do to mitigate risks other than put myself in a hospital environment. I also cannot truly practice. Even having a dozen children still isn't much practice compared to the number of times I get in a car to drive.
Even if I could practice, I cannot choose the comfort, safety, and position of the baby as it comes out, have no control over how the placenta detaches, how my uterus shrinks and stops (or doesn't stop) bleeding, or any number of other factors. I can sort of influence a few of these in minor ways, but it's more influence rather than choice. Like I can exercise, stretch, try to have loose muscles and eat and sleep well, yet that's no guarantee of the baby being optimally positioned. On the other hand, my body is doing a lot of effective preparation for birth, and it's kind of amazing that I didn't have to choose any of its preparations. It just happens. I put food into my mouth and sleep, and my body does the rest.
Finally, there are so many more vivid implications for questions that used to be more musings for me, like, what is a soul? Did this baby's spirit really exist somewhere else? Is sort of fused to the baby yet, like Peter Pan's shadow?
Loved reading your thoughts. For me, I feel two things some times. If I anticipate getting pregnant, it feels like I would embark on a chapter that won't end until old age- a new mini life within a life. But also- being in my mid thirties without kids, I feel like I'm in a strange post-life state. Because everything I was gearing up for on some level hasn't happened yet.
ReplyDeleteI just saw this, Mallory! Thank you for sharing. I relate with both of those thoughts! It still feels like I'm in a post-life state in some circles since I'm way older than most of my community members with kids the same age as Henry. Preparing to be a young mother was a steady drumbeat during my teenage years and yeah, didn't happen until 15 years later, so it's like I geared up, got lost, created a different life, and now have a baby with wrinkles on my face and grey hairs and trying to combine that with the other life I created. I guess my 20's and job and friends are my other babies!
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