Instead of being tied to outcomes, I'm trying to live a meaningful life

Recently a few challenges have pressed me to ponder what I value.

We had a baby while living in a pandemic, far away from family, and my husband has a busy CEO job. I found out some painful news about my job on the day my maternity leave ended: my coworkers were having a much harder time than I realized working with me since I'm married to the CEO. It was excruciating to learn that my job wasn't working for me or my coworkers, and I decided to move on. I liked my job, and liked working with my husband. We've both been sad about this new development.

I've now spent 2 months simultaneously looking for a job and looking for childcare since we kept having childcare options fall through (partially because we're newbies at looking for it, partially because that's just how it is).

I started having almost daily meltdowns of crying after any job interview or childcare interview, felt incredibly dizzy and nauseous in the evenings, and couldn't fall asleep for naps or if I woke up in the middle of the night. Snatches of patronizing or condescending phrases from interviews and past job experiences kept repeating in my mind.

This all made me question whether it was worth it to look for a job and childcare. Why even try if it was a giant ball of unpleasant experiences and emotions? Seemed better to make less money and focus on my very cute and fun and difficult baby!

Something I learned in DBT therapy (and that loved ones have helped me ponder) has brought me a lot of peace. It's a principle called building a meaningful life. Instead of thinking "why do I want a job?" I started thinking "what kind of life do I want?" and focusing solely on that. Here are the values I decided I want to work on, and I'm consciously building my life around these. Sometimes that can mean looking for a job, sometimes not. 

My values:

• Have a family
• Feel a sense of belonging
• Master useful skills and grow and mature in those skills
• Seek out fun and pleasant experiences
• Make room for spiritual insights
• Have a safe and secure life
• Have integrity by accepting others, myself, and life with honesty
• Become more free to act on my own priorities

An example of how my values helped me feel more peace

I was sitting on the porch, staring out at the rain. The day before, a nanny we liked had accepted another job offer because of our rookie mistakes. A few hours before, an interviewer said some condescending things to me.

I felt afraid of going into another interview, afraid of looking for childcare and making mistakes again.  

What I yearned for in that moment was freedom. I hoped to be free from what other people think of me and free from fear. 

The next interview I had, a thought occurred to me. Why not email the interviewer ahead of time and outline my expectations for the conversation to put them at ease, show them I'm confident and prepared, and also minimize risks that they resent needing to interview me (not all interviewers seem to like interviewing)? Since I'm not very skilled at thinking on my feet in the moment, I've gotten quite good over the years at planning conversations to make sure they are successful for both people involved.

The interviewer appreciated it and the conversation was really pleasant and useful for both of us. I felt closer to my value of being free from fear and also mastering useful skills, and I didn't care about the outcome of that specific interview as much as I was glad I was progressing personally.

A note about privileges

I realize my life isn’t as hard as it could be. We have enough food and a warm place to live. I have a supportive network of relatives, though they live far away. I had many privileges that I didn’t earn that allowed me to go to college and travel the world. I was born in the 20th century United States with medical advances that have saved my life at least 2 times and allowed me to earn a living despite being near-sighted and being a woman, both attributes that may have limited me in another time or place. I’m white and have an average appearance, both things I didn’t earn and have placed me in groups that have more power.

A note about challenges

I'm learning to accept that I have many challenges that I also didn’t earn, just like I didn't earn my privileges. Depression and histamine intolerance place me in a position that I now mark that “yes, I have a disability” when I fill out job applications. Despite my best efforts to choose a stable career, I’ve chosen 3 in a row that had poor job markets by the time I was looking for a job. I am a woman, which has caused obstacles in my life that I didn’t deserve (mostly ineffective career preparation and poor advice during high school and college, compounded by the changing job market). I have a baby, which turns out to be an enormous liability despite how much society and religions say that families are important. I love our baby more than I can describe and am committed to parenting; it also unofficially disqualifies me for many jobs and costs an enormous amount of money to have a child, and childcare is an underpaid and under-resourced job, no matter who is doing the childcare.

A peaceful life

The cool thing about trying to live according to your own set of values is it's flexible and not tied to outcomes, which are somewhat out of our control due to many privileges and challenges we didn't choose. 

If you are tied to one outcome as your ticket to happiness, such as buying a home, there are dozens of things that could prevent you from reaching that goal despite all your best efforts. If, instead, you value a secure and safe place to live, there are many ways to work towards that value no matter what happens in the world around you.